Wow! I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! It has been almost a week since my last post and we have just been so busy traveling around the state to visit family one last time before we move to Colorado that there hasn't been any down time to sit and type. This post is going to end up being a pretty long one so I knew I needed to wait to start it until I had a good amount of time to work on it. Thankfully Liam is napping so maybe (fingers crossed!) I can put all my thoughts into words and tell you about my struggle to nurse Liam and why I finally gave up and switched to bottle feeding. This is a very difficult subject for me and one of the greatest personal evidences that I'm not my idealized version of the World's Greatest Mommy.
I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed all my kids for the better part of their first year. So many books, blogs, and websites on parenting stress the importance and benefits of breastfeeding. It offers the best nutrition for babies, it helps you lose the weight you gained during pregnancy, and it allows mommy and baby to bond in a special way. What's not to love, right? These sources also weakly warn moms that breastfeeding can be tricky in the beginning but eventually it works itself out and is a wonderful experience.
When I got pregnant I naively thought that I'd be a pro at breastfeeding. I figured that since God created me as a woman with the ability to do so it would come naturally for both me and my baby. In my ignorance I even went so far as to judge women who chose not to breastfeed or who gave up on in within weeks of their child being born. After all, the World's Greatest Mommy would do whatever it takes to provide the best for her baby - the best being breast milk of course. Boy did God humble me.
As soon as possible after Liam was born I tried to nurse him. I'd been told that this would provide the best chance for him learning to latch on quickly and properly. Liam seemed to know what he was doing but had trouble latching on that first time. He continued to have trouble the next several times and we ended up having to spoon feed him expressed milk that first night. By the way, this is not an easy feat. It takes at least two people and the poor baby has to basically lap up the milk like a kitten.
Liam lost a few ounces of weight during those first 24 hours which isn't necessarily surprising or anything to worry about except that Liam was a small baby and the nurses seemed a little anxious about him losing any weight. Our first day in the hospital we were visited by a lactation consultant who gave us tips on how to get Liam to latch on. As the inexperienced first time mom I am, I took everything she said and did as fact even when she told me to nurse Liam while he was getting a shot because it would supposedly cause him to nurse for comfort. I'm not a breastfeeding expert but to me it seems like that would have the exact opposite effect on a baby. Wouldn't they just end up associating breastfeeding with pain?
Our second day in the hospital we were visited by the lactation consultant again by our request. I had been told that a nipple shield might be the best option for helping Liam latch on and stay latched on long enough to nurse. After we received the shield and started to use it we definitely felt better about the breastfeeding situation. However, the lactation consultant also suggested that I pump after every feeding and supplement Liam's feedings with pumped breast milk in a bottle. Since this is what we were told to do by a "professional" we of course followed her instructions.
After we left the hospital and took Liam home we followed the regimen given to us by the lactation consultant to a tee. A few days later we had an appointment with Wee Steps, a free program for breastfeeding consultations and support. Liam weighed in at less than what they thought he should and so we were given new instructions to make sure that Liam drank a certain number of mL of breast milk over the course of a day. This meant that even after nursing Liam we had to make sure to feed him a full "feeding" of pumped breast milk.
With the introduction of more bottles, Liam became less and less interested in nursing which was already very difficult for him. I also seemed to be producing less and less milk even though I felt like I was constantly pumping. I tried every recommendation for increasing my milk supply including taking an herbal supplement and drinking tea that was supposed to boost milk production. While these things seemed to work a little, it wasn't enough to fill up Liam's tummy and help him grow. Eventually we started supplementing with one feeding of formula each day just to maintain our sanity.
After supplementing with a feeding of formula each day for a week or so we noticed that Liam seemed more gassy and wasn't pooping regularly. In fact, he went 11 days without pooping. So when Liam was four weeks old I decided to switch him back to exclusive breastfeeding. He seemed to catch on at first which gave us encouragement that it would work this time.
At Liam's two month pediatrician appointment he had gained less than a pound since his one month appointment. This didn't seem to worry our pediatrician but we were definitely concerned that Liam went from the 10th to the 3rd percentile on growth charts. Also around this time Liam started to become more and more frustrated with breastfeeding. I thought that he was just going through a phase or a nursing strike or something and he would get over it soon.
Just before Liam turned 10 weeks old Jace went up to Colorado to look at model homes while I stayed in Las Cruces with Liam. That weekend was the worst few days of my life as a mom. Liam refused to nurse and every time I tried to nurse him he kicked, screamed, and slapped me. I literally spent hours trying to get him to eat for just a few minutes. Eventually he would get too tired to fight me and would just fall asleep until his hunger pains woke him up and we started the vicious cycle all over again.
The week following that weekend without Jace turned into our weaning week. And when I say weaning I really mean that Liam and I quit breastfeeding cold turkey. Liam started drinking only bottles and I pumped gradually less and less everyday for about two and a half weeks until I finally dried up. During those couple of weeks Liam gained almost two pounds and became a much happier baby. I continued to struggle with the decision to quit breastfeeding for several weeks but I kept reminding myself every time I saw Liam's chubby-cheeked smile that we did what was best for OUR baby.
I gave exclusive breastfeeding without any bottles six weeks and sometimes I feel a tinge of guilt when I think of how hungry Liam must have been during that time. However, God has redeemed our breastfeeding fiasco and used it to humble me. I no longer silently judge those women who throw up their hands in surrender after battling the breastfeeding war for what seems like an eternity. Six weeks may not seem like a long time to non-parents but when you're a new mom who isn't getting any sleep and who can't understand why her own child refuses to find comfort and nutrition from her, six weeks feels like a lifetime. I find myself full of compassion for moms who can't breastfeed for one reason or another. I'm one of those moms.
I also realize that my ability to breastfeed is not what makes me a great mom. I made a decision (an extremely tough one!) to put aside my selfish reasons for wanting to breastfeed in order to give my son what he needed. I know all the experts say that "breast milk is the best milk" but if you're baby is starving then any milk becomes the "best milk." And as for the bonding aspect of breastfeeding, there's not much bonding going on when your baby is screaming and fighting to get away from you. I spend all day, everyday with my son, if we aren't bonding then I don't know what bonding is!
I know I'll try breastfeeding again with our future babies but now that I've experienced breastfeeding at its worst I think I'll know when to keep trying and when to throw in the towel and pop open a can of formula.
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