Christmas Fun!

The Adkins family has been busy, busy, busy with packing and getting ready to move next week!  We were able to take a little break to celebrate Christmas but it was much different from what we're used to.  We spent the day here in Las Cruces away from our families and spent more time packing than anything else!  Because of all the busyness I haven't been able to blog since last week and I don't expect to be able to again until after we move next week.  So I'll be taking a little break from my "Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy" series until then.  Here's a little peek at the Christmas festivities we've enjoyed over the last few weeks...

Checking out the giant Christmas tree outside City Hall.

 

 Liam and Daddy checking out some Christmas lights.

 Liam grabs at everything - including the camera!

 Liam and his Christmas gifts from Mommy and Daddy!

 Liam and our little Christmas tree.  Notice a glimpse of our packing to the right. ;)

 Liam watching Polar Express on Christmas Day in his Daddy's lap!

 Reindeer feet!

 Christmas mid-morning nap!

 Taking a break from our packing to watch Polar Express.  Yeah our place is a mess! :P

 Christmas outfit!

 Reindeer hiney!

Liam loves technology! Try as we might, we can't keep the curious little guy from it!

Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy Part 3: I Gave Up on Breastfeeding

Wow! I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! It has been almost a week since my last post and we have just been so busy traveling around the state to visit family one last time before we move to Colorado that there hasn't been any down time to sit and type.  This post is going to end up being a pretty long one so I knew I needed to wait to start it until I had a good amount of time to work on it.  Thankfully Liam is napping so maybe (fingers crossed!) I can put all my thoughts into words and tell you about my struggle to nurse Liam and why I finally gave up and switched to bottle feeding.  This is a very difficult subject for me and one of the greatest personal evidences that I'm not my idealized version of the World's Greatest Mommy.

I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed all my kids for the better part of their first year.  So many books, blogs, and websites on parenting stress the importance and benefits of breastfeeding.  It offers the best nutrition for babies, it helps you lose the weight you gained during pregnancy, and it allows mommy and baby to bond in a special way.  What's not to love, right?  These sources also weakly warn moms that breastfeeding can be tricky in the beginning but eventually it works itself out and is a wonderful experience. 

When I got pregnant I naively thought that I'd be a pro at breastfeeding.  I figured that since God created me as a woman with the ability to do so it would come naturally for both me and my baby.  In my ignorance I even went so far as to judge women who chose not to breastfeed or who gave up on in within weeks of their child being born.  After all, the World's Greatest Mommy would do whatever it takes to provide the best for her baby -  the best being breast milk of course.  Boy did God humble me.

As soon as possible after Liam was born I tried to nurse him.  I'd been told that this would provide the best chance for him learning to latch on quickly and properly.  Liam seemed to know what he was doing but had trouble latching on that first time.  He continued to have trouble the next several times and we ended up having to spoon feed him expressed milk that first night.  By the way, this is not an easy feat.  It takes at least two people and the poor baby has to basically lap up the milk like a kitten. 

Liam lost a few ounces of weight during those first 24 hours which isn't necessarily surprising or anything to worry about except that Liam was a small baby and the nurses seemed a little anxious about him losing any weight.  Our first day in the hospital we were visited by a lactation consultant who gave us tips on how to get Liam to latch on.  As the inexperienced first time mom I am, I took everything she said and did as fact even when she told me to nurse Liam while he was getting a shot because it would supposedly cause him to nurse for comfort.  I'm not a breastfeeding expert but to me it seems like that would have the exact opposite effect on a baby.  Wouldn't they just end up associating breastfeeding with pain?

Our second day in the hospital we were visited by the lactation consultant again by our request.  I had been told that a nipple shield might be the best option for helping Liam latch on and stay latched on long enough to nurse.  After we received the shield and started to use it we definitely felt better about the breastfeeding situation.  However, the lactation consultant also suggested that I pump after every feeding and supplement Liam's feedings with pumped breast milk in a bottle.  Since this is what we were told to do by a "professional" we of course followed her instructions.

After we left the hospital and took Liam home we followed the regimen given to us by the lactation consultant to a tee.  A few days later we had an appointment with Wee Steps, a free program for breastfeeding consultations and support.  Liam weighed in at less than what they thought he should and so we were given new instructions to make sure that Liam drank a certain number of mL of breast milk over the course of a day.  This meant that even after nursing Liam we had to make sure to feed him a full "feeding" of pumped breast milk.

With the introduction of more bottles, Liam became less and less interested in nursing which was already very difficult for him.  I also seemed to be producing less and less milk even though I felt like I was constantly pumping.  I tried every recommendation for increasing my milk supply including taking an herbal supplement and drinking tea that was supposed to boost milk production.  While these things seemed to work a little, it wasn't enough to fill up Liam's tummy and help him grow.  Eventually we started supplementing with one feeding of formula each day just to maintain our sanity.

After supplementing with a feeding of formula each day for a week or so we noticed that Liam seemed more gassy and wasn't pooping regularly.  In fact, he went 11 days without pooping.  So when Liam was four weeks old I decided to switch him back to exclusive breastfeeding.  He seemed to catch on at first which gave us encouragement that it would work this time.

At Liam's two month pediatrician appointment he had gained less than a pound since his one month appointment.  This didn't seem to worry our pediatrician but we were definitely concerned that Liam went from the 10th to the 3rd percentile on growth charts.  Also around this time Liam started to become more and more frustrated with breastfeeding.  I thought that he was just going through a phase or a nursing strike or something and he would get over it soon.

Just before Liam turned 10 weeks old Jace went up to Colorado to look at model homes while I stayed in Las Cruces with Liam.  That weekend was the worst few days of my life as a mom.  Liam refused to nurse and every time I tried to nurse him he kicked, screamed, and slapped me.  I literally spent hours trying to get him to eat for just a few minutes.  Eventually he would get too tired to fight me and would just fall asleep until his hunger pains woke him up and we started the vicious cycle all over again.

The week following that weekend without Jace turned into our weaning week.  And when I say weaning I really mean that Liam and I quit breastfeeding cold turkey.  Liam started drinking only bottles and I pumped gradually less and less everyday for about two and a half weeks until I finally dried up.  During those couple of weeks Liam gained almost two pounds and became a much happier baby.  I continued to struggle with the decision to quit breastfeeding for several weeks but I kept reminding myself every time I saw Liam's chubby-cheeked smile that we did what was best for OUR baby. 

I gave exclusive breastfeeding without any bottles six weeks and sometimes I feel a tinge of guilt when I think of how hungry Liam must have been during that time.  However, God has redeemed our breastfeeding fiasco and used it to humble me.  I no longer silently judge those women who throw up their hands in surrender after battling the breastfeeding war for what seems like an eternity.  Six weeks may not seem like a long time to non-parents but when you're a new mom who isn't getting any sleep and who can't understand why her own child refuses to find comfort and nutrition from her, six weeks feels like a lifetime.  I find myself full of compassion for moms who can't breastfeed for one reason or another.  I'm one of those moms. 

I also realize that my ability to breastfeed is not what makes me a great mom.  I made a decision (an extremely tough one!) to put aside my selfish reasons for wanting to breastfeed in order to give my son what he needed.  I know all the experts say that "breast milk is the best milk" but if you're baby is starving then any milk becomes the "best milk."  And as for the bonding aspect of breastfeeding, there's not much bonding going on when your baby is screaming and fighting to get away from you.  I spend all day, everyday with my son, if we aren't bonding then I don't know what bonding is!    


I know I'll try breastfeeding again with our future babies but now that I've experienced breastfeeding at its worst I think I'll know when to keep trying and when to throw in the towel and pop open a can of formula. 

Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy Part 2: My Kid Looks Like a Street Fighter

Sorry its been so long since my last post! This week has been kind of crazy for our family.  Liam had his 4 month checkup on Tuesday (even though he's now 4 1/2 months old) and while we were out we decided to get our grocery shopping for this week done.  Yesterday was stressful between me finishing up my last final, Liam running a low fever as a result of getting shots at his checkup, and Jace feeling sick while trying to study for his last final.  Today is shaping up to be a little stressful as well.  I'm trying to break Liam from needing to be swaddled all the time and he's not too happy about it.

This kid has been relying on his swaddle for EVERYTHING!  He won't eat, sleep, or ride in his carseat without being swaddled.  This wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't now strong enough to bust himself out of the swaddle which leads to waking himself up multiple times during the night and needing to be re-swaddled.  So last night we laid him in his crib without swaddling him to see if he could put himself to sleep without it.  Of course he started crying when he realized that he was expected to go to sleep with no swaddle.  I let him cry it out for five minutes then went in to comfort him and calm him down.  After he was calm again I would leave the room.  He would start with the crying again and, again, I would wait five minutes before going in to comfort him.  This lasted 45 minutes until I thought that at last he had fallen asleep.  He had.  Unfortunately, that only last about 20 minutes before he woke up crying.  I gave him five minutes, comforted him, then gave him another five minutes.  This time it only took ten minutes before he was asleep again.  He slept swaddle-less for six hours, woke up to drink a couple ounces of milk and slept another two hours before he was up for the morning. 

While I'm glad that he made it through the night after the initial struggle to fall asleep, I was sad to find him in his crib this morning with a few scratches on his head and face.  That's what happens when you're a wild baby who's used to be swaddled at night.  You don't know what to do with those hands of yours so you flail them around and inevitably find your face a few times. 

So there you have it, the fact that this morning my baby looks like he got in a street fight proves that I'm not the World's Greatest Mommy.  If I was then Liam's fingernails would never be long enough to scratch himself.  However, with everything else that being a mom packs into a day sometimes clipping the fingernails of a squirmy 4 1/2 month old does not get crossed off the to-do list.  I'm just glad that Liam's pediatrician appointment was on Tuesday and not after his late night brawl.  And for anyone reading this who is now concerned about the safety of my son, don't worry I'll make sure to keep his fingernails short now that he won't be swaddled at night anymore. ;)

God did use last night to help me realize even more that even as Liam's earthly parent I am incapable of giving him exactly what he needs when he needs it at every second of the day and night.  Last night while Liam was crying in his crib I just kept praying and asking God to comfort Liam and that Liam would take hold of the amazing comfort that God offers us all.  I knew that even if I gave Liam the comfort of swaddling, he would still end up needing more than that.  At some point during the night he would wiggle out of the swaddle and wake up needing comfort.  I prayed that God would give Liam the constant comfort he needed to sleep through the night.  And when Liam did finally fall asleep I praised God for His wonderful power.  God did something that I, even though I am Liam's mom, could never do for him.  God gave him peace, comfort, and rest without the use of a pacifier, swaddle, swing, rocking chair, or any other man made method for soothing tired babies.  I'm definitely not the World's Greatest Mommy but I know that not even she could do what God did for Liam last night.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"  - 2 Corinthians 1:3

Liam, unswaddled, in his swing this morning. He woke up angry shortly after I took this. :P

Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy Part 1: I Crave Predictability

So for the first post in my "Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy" series I decided to talk about how craving predictability has gotten in the way of me being the "perfect" mom.  I am someone who thrives in routine and loves to have a plan and schedule to follow on a daily basis.  When I got pregnant I made many grandiose plans for how I was going to set up a schedule for Liam starting on day one so that he would fall into a routine that fit into my life.  However, after Liam was born I quickly discovered that newborns have their own routine and rhythm.  They don't care that you're tired or hungry or just need five minutes to jump in the shower.  They don't understand that your body still aches from the toughest workout imaginable - giving birth!  Newborns want what they want when they want it.  Or at least that's how it feels. 

During the first few weeks of Liam's life I had to constantly remind myself that he was only responding to his little body.  When he felt hungry he only knew that there was a pain in his tummy.  He depended on me to fix that.  When his diaper was full he only knew that he was uncomfortable.  He depended on me to fix that.  When his body was tired  he only knew that motion made it easier to fall asleep.  He depended on me to fix that.  Newborns aren't malicious and they don't interfere with your schedule due to a personal vendetta.  But as the imperfect human I am, I have often felt that Liam is out to sabotage my routine.  I don't like the feeling of going to bed each night not knowing how much sleep I'm going to get and I hate waking up with a list of things to do but not knowing if my day with Liam will allow me to get much accomplished.  Like I said, I crave predictability.

God has really used Liam and his unpredictability to reveal to me what is and is not important during my life here on earth.  Whenever Liam interrupts me when I'm folding laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner, getting ready to go somewhere, or working on an online assignment for one of my classes I have the choice to either become frustrated and loathe my job as a mom or take a deep breath and embrace the moment.  Being Liam's mom is a blessing.  Sometimes its so tempting to just find a quick fix to whatever Liam is fussing about so that I can get back to my to-do list.  I have to make the conscious decision to enjoy Liam for who he is right now.  I remind myself that in twenty years I won't remember how messy our apartment was or the fact that I wore my hair in a ponytail more often than not when going out in public.  But I will remember whether I spent enough time with Liam while he was growing up. 

God has given me the job of being Liam's mom during my time here on earth.  And my greatest responsibility as Liam's mom is to show him God's perfect love by being an example of love.  I don't know about everyone else, but when I think of perfect love stressing about cleanliness and hygiene don't come to mind.  Perfect love to Liam is laughing together, cuddling, singing, reading books, playing, baby talk, and telling him how much Jesus loves him.  Its hard for me to let go of predictability so that I can fully embrace and love my son, I know that the only way I can do this is because God first loved me.  God's display of love through the sacrifice of his only Son reminds me to spend every minute of life loving mine. 

Liam at 3 weeks

Introducing the "Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy" Blog Series

As I've mentioned before, I've always wanted to be a mom.  In fact, as a girl scout in second grade I answered the ol' "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question with "A mom."  In my senior yearbook from high school my answer to that same question is explicitly displayed next to my photo as "The World's Greatest Mommy!"  Many of my friends used to call me "Mama Sheila" due to my motherly personality.  Before I got pregnant, my worst fear was not being able to have children someday.  (Turns out that was a very unnecessary fear!)  And  I still tell people that the only real reason I went to college was to meet my future husband so that I could fulfill my lifelong dream of motherhood.

As much as I dreamed of being a mom and built up expectations of quintessential motherhood, actually becoming a mom was a complete kick in the pants.  I learned (very quickly) that I, like everyone else on the planet, was human (not Supermom) and that motherhood is no walk in the park.  Motherhood consists of lots of tears (from both mother and child), sleep deprivation, baby poop, getting peed on in the face, worrying, stressing, screaming (again, by both mother and child), hand washing, bottle washing, sterilizing (of bottles and pacifiers, not of the baby :P), and a plethora of other unpleasant things.  Not that I was shocked by the fact that motherhood consisted of most of these things (I used to work in the nursery at a daycare and at my church.) but I did think that I, aspiring World's Greatest Mommy, would handle them much better than I have at times. 

God has really humbled me in terms of my expectations of myself as a mom and the judgement I pass on other moms.  Through this blog series (not sure how long of a series it will end up being) I hope to share with my readers what God has taught me through motherhood and how He's used this new mom role to sanctify me.  I'll admit that I do not always pass God's tests in motherhood, even when I recognize them as tests.  I fail on a continuous basis to be the best mom for Liam.  I'm so grateful though that God continues to bless me with the job of being Liam's mom despite my failures.  God is so good and He loves me so much.  Few things have reinforced this knowledge of God's love like motherhood.

I also hope that this series will bring encouraging comments from my readers, many of whom are moms!  Please feel free (read as "I beg of you!") leave me comments that relate your own experiences as a mom and/or any encouragement you can offer.  Being a mom is tough; but I know that I'm not the first or last person to become one and sometimes that alone keeps me from pulling all my hair out. ;)

Look How Far We've Come!

This past Saturday we took family pictures for our Christmas card and also took Liam to have his picture taken with Santa.  The MOPS group at our church was doing the Santa pictures as a fundraiser and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity before Liam develops stranger anxiety and becomes fearful of strangers in bright red suits!

We didn't have much time to set up a photography shoot for our family pictures with our usual photographer (We always get our pictures done with one of my best friends from high school; check out her Facebook page!) so I asked my sister to take pictures of us on Saturday morning.  She took them on her iPhone and did some editing, then emailed the images to me and - voila! - family pictures that took less than 30 minutes!

After we took our family pictures we headed over to our church to get the Santa picture taken.  The MOPS group had hired a professional photographer to take them and I should be getting an email with the image that I can download and have printed myself.  I love this idea because now I can include the picture on our Christmas card!

Liam was so serious during his Santa shoot.  We could not for the life of us get him to crack a smile!  I'm sure he was a little dazed and confused by the whole situation.  I guess I should just be glad that he didn't freak out and start crying. LOL.

After all the picture-taking we did on Saturday, Jace and I were looking back at photos of us when we first started dating.  We gasped at how young we looked and reminisced about our "carefree" life before marriage and baby.  It seems like such a long time ago that Jace and I met and started dating.  But in reality, that was only a little more than three years ago!  To think of all the changes we've experienced and adventures we've had together in such a short amount of time is crazy!  God has been so good to us over the last few years and to think of what the future He has planned for us might bring brings tears of excitement to my eyes and an anxious flutter to my heart.  However, I must also remember to enjoy the moment I'm in right now as a wife to Jace and a mom to Liam.  Its tempting to wish for the blessings of the future instead of enjoying those of the present.  As my great-grandmother would always say, "Don't wish your life away."  Instead, I plan to smile at the past, laugh in the present, look forward to (not wish for ;)) the future, and praise God for all three!

 Our first Christmas together.  We had been dating for 2 months!

 One of our favorites from this weekend.  Almost 3 years since that first Christmas together.  We've been husband and wife for a little more than a year and half and are now parents to a 4-month-old!

Ground was broken last week in Ault, CO on one of the many exciting blessings God is working on for our future!