Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy Part 1: I Crave Predictability

So for the first post in my "Why I'm Not the World's Greatest Mommy" series I decided to talk about how craving predictability has gotten in the way of me being the "perfect" mom.  I am someone who thrives in routine and loves to have a plan and schedule to follow on a daily basis.  When I got pregnant I made many grandiose plans for how I was going to set up a schedule for Liam starting on day one so that he would fall into a routine that fit into my life.  However, after Liam was born I quickly discovered that newborns have their own routine and rhythm.  They don't care that you're tired or hungry or just need five minutes to jump in the shower.  They don't understand that your body still aches from the toughest workout imaginable - giving birth!  Newborns want what they want when they want it.  Or at least that's how it feels. 

During the first few weeks of Liam's life I had to constantly remind myself that he was only responding to his little body.  When he felt hungry he only knew that there was a pain in his tummy.  He depended on me to fix that.  When his diaper was full he only knew that he was uncomfortable.  He depended on me to fix that.  When his body was tired  he only knew that motion made it easier to fall asleep.  He depended on me to fix that.  Newborns aren't malicious and they don't interfere with your schedule due to a personal vendetta.  But as the imperfect human I am, I have often felt that Liam is out to sabotage my routine.  I don't like the feeling of going to bed each night not knowing how much sleep I'm going to get and I hate waking up with a list of things to do but not knowing if my day with Liam will allow me to get much accomplished.  Like I said, I crave predictability.

God has really used Liam and his unpredictability to reveal to me what is and is not important during my life here on earth.  Whenever Liam interrupts me when I'm folding laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner, getting ready to go somewhere, or working on an online assignment for one of my classes I have the choice to either become frustrated and loathe my job as a mom or take a deep breath and embrace the moment.  Being Liam's mom is a blessing.  Sometimes its so tempting to just find a quick fix to whatever Liam is fussing about so that I can get back to my to-do list.  I have to make the conscious decision to enjoy Liam for who he is right now.  I remind myself that in twenty years I won't remember how messy our apartment was or the fact that I wore my hair in a ponytail more often than not when going out in public.  But I will remember whether I spent enough time with Liam while he was growing up. 

God has given me the job of being Liam's mom during my time here on earth.  And my greatest responsibility as Liam's mom is to show him God's perfect love by being an example of love.  I don't know about everyone else, but when I think of perfect love stressing about cleanliness and hygiene don't come to mind.  Perfect love to Liam is laughing together, cuddling, singing, reading books, playing, baby talk, and telling him how much Jesus loves him.  Its hard for me to let go of predictability so that I can fully embrace and love my son, I know that the only way I can do this is because God first loved me.  God's display of love through the sacrifice of his only Son reminds me to spend every minute of life loving mine. 

Liam at 3 weeks